Choosing a Partner

Allah (swt) says to
us: ''Your wives are a tilth [to cultivate] for you, so go to your tilth, when or how you will, and send [good deeds or ask Allah to bestow upon you pious offspring] for your own selves beforehand. And fear Allah, and know that you are to meet Him [in the Hereafter], and give good tidings to the believers [O Muhammad pbuh]'' (al-Baqarah 2:223).

Allah's Messenger
(pbuh) has advised: ''Choose carefully for your children; marry the suitable and give in marriage to them.'' (Reported by Ibn-Majab (1/633) and others; graded hasan by al-Albani)

Your children will be able to question on the day of judgement, your choice of their mother / father.

The two main conditions for marriage

1. Ethical Conduct

A woman is full of emotions; if you marry her to a man who does not possess moral conduct, he may not treat her with the sensitivity she deserves.

The man also has to realise the hormonal imbalance that any woman endures because of the menstrual cycle, so he should treat her with extra tenderness and kindness during this time.

Men are physically based and women emotionally based.

Allah (swt) says to
us: ''Bad statements are for bad people [or bad women for bad men] and bad people for bad statements [or bad men for bad women]. Good statements are for good people [or good women for good men] and good people for good statements [or good men for good women]; such [good people] are innocent of [every] bad statement which they say; for them is forgiveness and Rizqun Karim [generous provisions; i.e. Paradise].'' (al-Noor 24:26)

Allah's Messenger
(pbuh) has advised: ''Indeed, the most beloved to me among you, and the closest company to me on Judgement Day, is the best of you in ethical conduct.'' (al-Trimidhi)

2. Religious Background

Allah (swt) says to
us: ''The difference between the man and the state of disbelief and ascribing partners unto Allah is leaving the prayer.'' (Narrated by Muslim)

The difference between a believer and disbeliever is prayer. A believer should marry a believer. The disbelievers are not lawful for the believers.

The Husband...

Allah (swt) says to
us: ''And marry those among you who are single [i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband] and [also marry] the Salihun (pious, fit and capable ones) of your [male] thralls and maid-servants [female thralls]. If they be poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty; and Allah is All-Sufficient for His Creatures' needs, All-Knowing [about the state of the people].'' (al-Noor 24:32)

Allah's Messenger
(pbuh) has ordered us: ''If a man comes [and asks for your daughter's hand in marriage] who possesses ethical conduct and religious origin, then marry him [to her]. If you do not, it will be a great trial and mischief on the face of the earth.'' (al-Trimidhi, Ibn-Majab and al-Hakim)

The Wife...

Indeed she is the mother, the sister, the daughter, the aunt, the wife and most of all, the teacher for our children, the future of the Ummah.

Factors to consider in a potential Husband & Wife

''A woman is married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her deen. So choose the one with [good practice of] the deen, may your hands be rubbed in dust.'' (Bukhari 50:90; Muslim
1466)

Means to get married

''He has no merit; he does not possess any
money.''' (Bukhari and Muslim)

Appearance

Allah's Messenger (pbuh) recommended that a woman see her future husband so that she can be content with his appearance:

''It is better to see who you are going to marry, so that your heart
will be content.'' (Sahih al-Trimidhi; authenticated by al-Albani)

Fertility

Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said: ''Marry the fertile and loving; verily, I am going to be boasting of your abundance among other nations on Judgement day.'' (narrated by Abu- Dawud and an-Nasai)

Piety

A pious man will treat his wife well and if he dislikes her, he will not treat her unfairly.

Beauty

If a man seeks to get married, then he should ask about her beauty first. If she is beautiful, then he should ask regarding her deen. If she is praised for her deen, then he can proceed to marry her. If she is not praised for her practice of the deen, then his rejecting her would be on the basis of religion.

Islam does not deprive a man or woman of the right to look for beauty in their potential wife or husband but it is advised you should not build your married life on beauty alone.

Lineage (family background)

It is preferable to marry a woman with good lineage.

Pleasure and Treasure

Everyone wants to be happy and enjoy the pleasures of this duniyah. Our Beloved Prophet (pbuh) said: ''Life is a form of pleasure; and the best form of pleasure in this life is a righteous woman.'' (Muslim)

''Have I not told you about the best treasure that a person possesses? The righteous woman: if he looks at her, she pleases him; if he asks her,
she answers; and if he travels, she protects her chastity.'' (Abu-Dawud)

Decision Time - How to choose 'the one'

4 simple steps....

1. Istishaarah (consulting others)

It is very important to do your homework before approaching the most important decision of your life. So question compatibility and be honest with yourself. Ask people who may know your potential life partner and question anything and everything about them.....

2. Istikhaarah (seeking the knowledge of Allah)

Istikhaarah should be performed in the manner as outlined in the Sunnah.

Please contact Ummah Shariah Council on how to perform Istikhaarah on +44 (0) 1254 278354

3. Determination

Act accordingly after completing your Istishaarah and Istikhaarah. Make sure you have a clear sign and have understood it clearly and do not hold any preconceived ideas about the matter.

4. Trust

If you have committed yourself in good faith, then all you need to do now is put ALL your trust in Allah (swt) and do not hesitate....

Roles of a Man and Woman

Allah (swt) gave each of men and women different but equally important roles in this life so they can complete each other instead of competing with one another.

Men are 'physically based' - Allah (swt) has created man as the bread winner in the family so he has to be tough and more capable physically, to handle the stresses of the outside world.

Women are 'emotionally based' - Allah (swt)has created the woman as the nurturer and teacher which requires her to be emotional and have great people skills.

Husband's Duties towards his Wife

''And the best of you; the best to his wife.'' (Trimidhi, Ibn Hiban)

It is obligatory  for husbands to spend on their wives and provide for them

Always hold a  good attitude towards your wife, be kind to her and offer her everything  that may soften her heart towards you: ''And live with them honourably'' (al-Nisaa' 4:19)

The Messenger of Allah (swt) said ''Be kind to women.'' (Narrated by al- Bukhari, 3153; Muslim 1468)

Always beautify yourself for the pleasure of your wife

A husband has a duty to teach his wife her religious affairs, including establishing prayer or at least to provide her with the opportunity to acquire knowledge: ''O you believe; protect yourself and your family from a Hellfire, its fuel is humans and stones.'' (Al-Tahreem, 6)

Consult your wives in the decision making process and allow discussion

Protect your  wife from all harm and from anything that would lead her astray: ''There should be no harming nor reciprocating harm.'' (Narrated by Ibn Maajab, 2340)

Give your wives permission to visit family and righteous company

Wife's Duties towards her Husband

A wife's duties towards her husband may be greater than the husband's duties towards his wife....

Always seek your husband's advice and permission before leaving the marital home for any reason

Allah's
Messenger (pbuh) said: ''It is not permitted for a woman to fast when her husband is present without his permission, or to admit anyone into his house without his permission. And whatever she spends (in charity) of his wealth without his consent.'' (Narrated by al-Bukhari, 4899; Muslim, 026)

Make yourself available to your husband for pleasure and beautify yourself for him

Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said: ''When a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he went to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.'' (Narrated by al-Bukhari 3065; Muslim 1436)

Respect your husband, his decisions and be obedient: ''And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable.'' (al-Baqarah 2:228)

If a woman prays, fasts, protects her chastity and obeys her husband, then ALL the gates of heaven will be open to her

Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said: ''If a woman prayed her five (obligatory prayers), fasted her month (Ramadhan), protected her chastity, and was obedient to her husband; it will be said unto her: enter Jannah through any of its gates you wish.''

Allah has made man a qawwaam (protector and maintainer) of the woman - he is not inferior to you, nor superior to you but your maintainer, protector and provider

The wife should treat her husband in a good manner:

''If a woman harms her husband in this life; the Maidens will say, do not harm him, may Allah harm you; he is only a guest with you, and soon he will leave you to our company.'' (Assaheehah 173)

Must Do's & Don'ts!

Do

Respect each other

Be patient with each other

Keep an open mind, be flexible and compromising

Stay focused -  any change will take time

Acknowledge your partner's feelings

Do criticize action or behaviour

Listen to your spouse's concerns and offer to help

Work as a team

Take time out if  you feel too emotionally charged - no emotion is bad, it's how you choose to react with it

Don't

Marry the Gahdhoob (someone who is angry all the time)

Marry the Kahtoob (someone who is never happy)

Marry the Lahfuhd (someone who compares to others)

Marry the Hananah (someone who has previous love)

Marry the  Mananah (someone who comes from a rich lineage and ensures to enforce this)

Get defensive - this won't resolve anything

Use guilt to get your way - will only build resentment and will eventually backfire

Dismiss your spouses' feelings

Give your partner the dreaded 'silent treatment'

Adopt the 'my way or the highway' attitude

Divulge each other's secrets to anyone